(Heads up, this is a satire piece! As in, not real.)
Greer, SC–Congregants of Fourth Baptist Church were particularly whispery after Sunday service this past weekend. Attendees didn’t want to name names, but several members were “disturbed that Pastor Frank Trimble intentionally disregarded the altar call.”
Members believe at least three souls may have been eternally damned as a result of Pastor Frank’s actions. Street-tough Vince Drake was one of those souls: “That was my moment, you know? I was ready to walk down that aisle and give my life to Jesus. He blew it. Who knows whether I’ll ever feel that way again?”
Sources in the heavenly places report that God is beside himself: “I really wanted those three souls, but how am I supposed to get them to Heaven if the preacher won’t do his job?”
Church members are understandably baffled. Gerald Farnley, deacon emeritus at Fourth Baptist, commented, “I’ve been working with this preacher for three years now, and I thought we had everything straightened out. He knows people can’t get saved unless he says the magic words—‘Every head bowed, every eye closed.’” Shaking his head, Farnley muttered, “Our pulpit relations team has a long discussion ahead. Do we want to continue with a pastor who clearly doesn’t understand the A B C’s of salvation—Altar Call, Baptism, Church Membership?”
Reporters were unable to reach Pastor Trimble, as he was too busy enjoying the Sunday afternoon with his family to ponder the disastrous consequences of his oversight.